I wish I could put into words the pain that im in.  You feel pain, but I promise nothing like this. I don’t know how I feel but I know I can do nothing but hurt u. Its an awful feeling and I live  for nothing but them.

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The darkness

It’s been awhile since I have found my way on here. I have been trying to make everything better. But this weekend, I find myself in a very dark place. I have been lied to and hurt again, but this time it put my life in jeopardy. My life on the line. Well as I figure out how to walk the line, I find I just really want to jump off.
I want to crawl into a hole, where nobody can see me and never come out.
But I have my beautiful babies to think about…. they are my reason for living. Trust me, I wouldn’t be around to write this if it weren’t for them.
Why after all that has happened, why do I insist on living this way?
Many large decisions to be made in the next few weeks… what is best anymore?
I just hope at some point I can find my way out of this darkness… see that light at the end oft the tunnel.

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Why do you have to make everything so complicated all of the time? Complex is exciting, but not when you are a difficult asshole. One would hope with Christmas just passing that things would be better , but in reality it made it so much worse. I need to learn how to say goodbye. For some reason I am completely incapable of doing that. But I am a quick learner, so hold on because this ride may come to an abrupt stop.

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Watch “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart – Alicia Keys -Lyrics On Screen” on YouTube I don’t know why I keep letting you do this. I don’t know why I am allowing each day to get worse and worse. Today takes the cake. You fucking win. You want a broken shell of a woman, well you have it. I have nothing left to give.

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Here we are…At the end

Didn’t realize the end would be here so soon. I knew things were bad, they really are. I got that.
I knew the time had come to say goodbye to our life together… but I never knew it would hurt this bad. I didn’t realize you would agree to it to quickly and without a fight. I guess when things get bad you want to know your spouse would fight for you; not what I got at all.
Divorce was agreed upon via an online messaging system; not a text message but close enough. You would think when the conversation went in that direction a phone call would have come out, but I am completely disillusioned about what I thought was at one point, a happy marriage.
Sorry this didn’t work out (frowny face). FML.
I seriously feel nothing but pain, everywhere. To know you have loved with everything you have, for almost 12 years…. and then nothing. Not even a phone call.
I hate you Mr. Liar. I hate you for loving me and then breaking me down to nothing. I hate you for destroying our family. I hate you for putting me in this position.
But I can say I did love you, and still do. I can say thank you for my beautiful children. But I guess this is goodbye. Via the Internet. Thank you for that.

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Drawing the line.

I have put up with more lies, more heartache, and more mind fucking than anybody should ever have to. Eleven years is a long time to waste… it’s hard to leave and know I will never get that eleven years back.
But I have drawn a new line and you have crossed it, and there’s no going back. Our children deserve a father who loves them, shows them positive attention, converses with them, laughs with them…. even when you aren’t here. Fuck you if you think they deserve any less. When I hear them asking you the same fucking question over again, or ask you to say something to the dog…. then fucking do it.
You can screw me over time and time again, but you are not going to fuck with them. They deserve a happy family. They deserve that attention from the father that they adore.
That was my line, you will not disappoint them… and you have crossed that line.
I’m out. If a happy family means one parent who gives them the world, then that is better than the pretend happy family that I have been trying to orchestrate. It shouldn’t be this hard. You don’t deserve them if you are going to hurt them. So fuck you I’m out.

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Today being Thanksgiving I decided to reflect on the things I am thankful for.
– I am thankful for our wonderful children. No matter where our bullshit of a marriage goes I am always going to be grateful for that gift. They are wonderful little people and they are my only reason for getting up each day.
– I am thankful you are not home for Thanksgiving. I know, a horrible thing to say… but that’s the truth. I am glad to be free of your lies. You repeatedly ask me if I am happy you will be home soon… and I am really not. It stresses me out so much. I am going to have to be fake, pretend a smile (and God knows what else), going to have to make things ok in front of the kids… I will need to figure out new living arrangements if I stick to my guns, and explain it all to the kids… where right now it is acceptable you just aren’t here.
So no, I am not happy you will be home soon. It means I will have to man up to reality. Make some tough decisions.
But for today, I am thankful to not have to paste a fake smile on my face and have your cheating hands on my body. Today I get to feel like I am good enough, even if not for you.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the wives who stay for their beautiful children!
And fuck all the men who put them in this position.

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Ignorance is Bliss

I could take this title in many directions…First is my husband is a complete and total idiot. But I guess if nobody has ever told him that he is a moron than it’s not entirely his fault. Today he fought with me (amongst everything else we are fighting about)… he debated with me that  the word “woman” and “women” were the same thing. Well there you have it folks, that is why he is a lying cheat; because he was never taught English in grammar school!
I also take part of the blame here. If I hadn’t ignored our situation for so long, if I had confronted him sooner; well maybe he wouldn’t be the overly cocky asshole he is today.
So folks, there you have it.  Stupid is as Stupid does.
If I ever have the balls to get out of this horrible situation I am in, I’m requiring a dating resume, background check, and credit check on any man that asks me out. Oh, and ask them if they know the difference between women and woman.
Guess either way I will be lonely and unhappy for a long long time. 

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I think I finally understand why you are with me.
I have always said if you don’t want to be with me; just tell me. Unfortunately, you want your cake and want to eat it too.
Then today I figured it out. I make your career. That big wig who you met with today; who did he ask about? Me, because I am more interesting and important than you will ever be. I have the brains, education and personality that you need to move up the ranks….. it’s sad that a loser like you can make me feel so useless and unappreciated. 
How did I ever let it get so bad? Shame on me.
I remember having a spark, a love for life and I have lost that.
How will I ever be happy again?

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